lost

i do not know how to describe exactly what i am feeling. is it solace i need or do i need company. what is it about my life right now that makes me unhappy. i think that somewhere along the way i left God behind. it wasn't intentional, in fact, i would say i have been trying really hard to do the opposite. but for some unfounded reason, i feel lost. i feel abandoned. forgotten...like an old pair of shoes that were once your favorites, but they went out of style so you shoved them to the back of the closet. i am at the back of the closet. is it because i have not bathed that closet in prayer or is it because i have allowed the fantasies of this world to creep into my sanctuary. what do i need.
i need to feel like i am a favorite. i need to return to the drawing board. i need to allow myself to drop these desires for acceptance. to let them rot away like old vegetables. i feel as though this is something i have dealt with time and again. why does it haunt me. why do i continue to go down this road. return me to who i was. no, Lord, draw me closer to your heart through the things that are occurring. i feel needy. i feel broken and lost and only twelve years old inside. i need some kind of reassurance. reassurance that i am not in vain. i am more than these words on this paper.
my grandmother said something that impacted me about my grandfather's death, "that is not grandpa, that is just the house that he lived in for awhile." of course, she was speaking of his body. i felt that way about myself from that day on...this is just the house i am living in until the Father takes me home. i feel like my house is a little dilapidated. a little broken and bruised. like it needs a fresh coat of paint and some new landscaping, maybe even a few new light fixtures might do the trick.
i guess it's normal to feel a little lost now and again. i guess that's how we remember that it's God's job to keep track of us. that we can't do it on our own. that we, no matter how many times we want to claim that we do, don't have the directions to the final destination. i may know where it is, but there are too many things to do along the way and detours and roadblocks that i can't keep track anymore. i give up. i give in. i am done being the navigator. i have taken too many wrong turns and found myself at too many dead ends.
i trust the Father with my life.