waiting

waiting...this seems to be my word for 2010. i am always waiting. not always. that is too provincial. but it does seem that i tarry quite often. i know...that this is often what the Lord does...he allows us to wait upon Him so that we might gain something richer, more worth the taking. i have not been waiting very well. examples are elusive and i have much to contend with in this mind of mine. quiet is what i need. quiet is what i want. quiet is difficult and ever so elusive to my painstaking attempts at normalcy and what the new, affable world calls 'chill'. i have a difficult time with waiting. patience seems to be more and more within my grasp but i still consider myself lost to the cause. ok...not entirely lost, more like temporarily on detour. i used to say that patience is a virtue i do not possess. i believe that i am slowly creeping towards the goal of patience. i suppose much of this rambling spills from a place in my heart that longs for solitude and companionship. can these two characteristics have a symbyotic relationship? i believe so. i have to believe so. my life, my very existence deponds on this conclusion. for the Lord says that when i am alone, He is there...He will never leave me nor forsake me. do i trust Him? do i choose to wait for Him? i had better...this decision is the one thing that can make me closer or push me farther away. it is an easy one. easy. easy easy. why the catch in my throat? why the hesitation? do i feel that to give this piece of me defines what my future will look like and that He will become my soul companion with no one else to augment my situation? how would i feel about that? He gives me answers...yes. are they what i want to hear? not always...therefore, logical conclusion is that i continuously avoid, whether by choice or by nature, the thing that i invariably dread...loneliness. at least in the tangible sense. but loneliness can never occur for me, at least not true loneliness because i am cleansed by the blood of the Lamb and am therefore sanctified and always holy to approach the throne of grace and power. loneliness is a human condition; meaning...it only occurs within the confines of my flesh. interesting...i only experience true loneliness when i live in the flesh and not within the confines of the Spirit, which is a mandate given to us. i will live in the Spirit and not in the flesh. loneliness does not and cannot define me. i dwell in the shadow of the King...in the way of the Almighty. i chose to find shelter in His wings and wait upon the Lord.