heart preparations

i realize that this blog has not seen much action over the past six months. i apologize for the lag in activity. i have been overwhelmingly preoccupied with the task set before me by the illustrious united states air force. you see, i am being deployed. to a remote location in the middle east. for security reasons, i am unable to name such place here but do wish to convey my thoughts/feelings on the matters set before me. from here on out, i turn over a new leaf. i will brighten a new stone. i will write as often as i am able.

yesterday, i was informed that i would be leaving this morning. i ran around in an flurry of activity to finish the last minute preparations for my eminent departure and then realized thirty minutes later i was ready to go. it was a rather deflated feeling of anticipation. i must not be as nervous as i am supposed to feel. i mean, really, isn't there supposed to be some sort of pivotal revelation regarding the overwhelming task of going off to war...granted, i am a nurse and if i am out there on the frontlines engaging the enemy, then a new strategy must employed....regardless, i am going off to war. complete with the whole kevlar helmet and flac vest and m9 strapped to my person at all times. its a little....daunting. and yet, i have an overwhelming peace.

as i sailed over the checkerboard landscape of the midwest this morning, the lord began to open my heart to a few revelations. one...the lord really does order our steps. he points us in directions we never thought we would or even could go. he takes our meager lives and our wonderful small beginnings and revolutionizes them. we not only come out on the other side with amazing testimonies we also come out with a newfound perspective on life. o, to be sure, there are bumps and hurdles, potholes and mountains, plains and ravens. we endured those rocky crags that somehow still house the glory of god and we are transformed. our faces do reflect the glory.

and two...it does not matter what you do as long as it is bathed in love. this one is so straight forward. so simple. yet so elusive. read 1 corinthians 14:16. it's a keeper. hold it in your heart. memorize it. make it a part of your daily life. every moment i struggle with this because of my stubborn, sinful flesh. but i am redeemed. i am constantly being made new. constantly being polished in the hand of the almighty, like a shinning new penny. i wish that penny candy still existed so that children (big and small) could recognize the fruitfulness of the smallest wage. full of promise. sweet and savory.

lord, i pray that those who read this would be revolutionized by their small beginning and their heart perspective would be transformed. i pray for the renewing of their minds and the softening of their hearts. i pray for the reflection of your glory in their lives. i pray that they would be bathed in your love. i pray for that new penny moment. for your hand to continue to polish their lives, lord jesus. come. thank you for making us whole, making us into who you have designed us to be. thank you for your faithfulness and everlasting arms.

voids

so. i have this conundrum. i don't really know how to describe. i probably don't even really want to. i just want you to know that i have one. sometimes its good to know that there are people out there. that you are sending your requests out into the great deep void of heaven and earth. so here it goes...
i miss my old life. i miss my friends. i miss my spiritual walk. i know. i know. its so...i don't even know the word. so...yesteryear. i have to get over it. i have to move on. i have to refocus. look forward. i have to get rid of these road blocks. i have to push aside those hurdles that keep tripping me up. how do i do that? where do i start.
o, Jesus...come down Lord, reign in my life. reign in this place...meet me where i am at. help to sacrifice these things at your altar. i bring a sacrifice of praise.

lost

i do not know how to describe exactly what i am feeling. is it solace i need or do i need company. what is it about my life right now that makes me unhappy. i think that somewhere along the way i left God behind. it wasn't intentional, in fact, i would say i have been trying really hard to do the opposite. but for some unfounded reason, i feel lost. i feel abandoned. forgotten...like an old pair of shoes that were once your favorites, but they went out of style so you shoved them to the back of the closet. i am at the back of the closet. is it because i have not bathed that closet in prayer or is it because i have allowed the fantasies of this world to creep into my sanctuary. what do i need.
i need to feel like i am a favorite. i need to return to the drawing board. i need to allow myself to drop these desires for acceptance. to let them rot away like old vegetables. i feel as though this is something i have dealt with time and again. why does it haunt me. why do i continue to go down this road. return me to who i was. no, Lord, draw me closer to your heart through the things that are occurring. i feel needy. i feel broken and lost and only twelve years old inside. i need some kind of reassurance. reassurance that i am not in vain. i am more than these words on this paper.
my grandmother said something that impacted me about my grandfather's death, "that is not grandpa, that is just the house that he lived in for awhile." of course, she was speaking of his body. i felt that way about myself from that day on...this is just the house i am living in until the Father takes me home. i feel like my house is a little dilapidated. a little broken and bruised. like it needs a fresh coat of paint and some new landscaping, maybe even a few new light fixtures might do the trick.
i guess it's normal to feel a little lost now and again. i guess that's how we remember that it's God's job to keep track of us. that we can't do it on our own. that we, no matter how many times we want to claim that we do, don't have the directions to the final destination. i may know where it is, but there are too many things to do along the way and detours and roadblocks that i can't keep track anymore. i give up. i give in. i am done being the navigator. i have taken too many wrong turns and found myself at too many dead ends.
i trust the Father with my life.

funny

life is funny...how do we define who we are? does it just happen? do we suddenly transform from one day to the next...never knowing what happened betwixt the hours that were not ourselves and they others when we become?

life is a bed of roses

i received the first flowers ever from a boy that wasn't my dad or my prom date. these were true, live, real, 'i really like you' flowers. i got red roses...tee hee, tee hee. i felt special. the man who gave them to me is this sweet wonderful guy. he likes me...a lot. i like him...a lot. so i guess you could see we are in like...it is a good place to be.
my older brother, j, came over the other day for breakfast after he saw the roses and asked..."So, what did you do to deserve those?" As if I had to do something to earn them...i was appalled. (not really, it is just fun to say the word appalled) i promptly told him that i got them for our 1 month anniversary...and he began to make fun of me in true jason form...what life would be like if not for big brothers.
i think it is strange for j to see me with a boy...i think it is strange for my whole family...even though they are not here...it think it is strange for me...i often feel that i am cafuddling my way through and have no idea what i am doing...though, i am having fun.
all this to say that i got my first dozen red roses from a man.

STEAM HEAT!!

Excuse the little bit of French that I so

unbecomingly decided to use! I know it is not hard

core French, but still is unbecoming! My apologies.

Later that same day... ZIPLINING!!!