funny

life is funny...how do we define who we are? does it just happen? do we suddenly transform from one day to the next...never knowing what happened betwixt the hours that were not ourselves and they others when we become?

life is a bed of roses

i received the first flowers ever from a boy that wasn't my dad or my prom date. these were true, live, real, 'i really like you' flowers. i got red roses...tee hee, tee hee. i felt special. the man who gave them to me is this sweet wonderful guy. he likes me...a lot. i like him...a lot. so i guess you could see we are in like...it is a good place to be.
my older brother, j, came over the other day for breakfast after he saw the roses and asked..."So, what did you do to deserve those?" As if I had to do something to earn them...i was appalled. (not really, it is just fun to say the word appalled) i promptly told him that i got them for our 1 month anniversary...and he began to make fun of me in true jason form...what life would be like if not for big brothers.
i think it is strange for j to see me with a boy...i think it is strange for my whole family...even though they are not here...it think it is strange for me...i often feel that i am cafuddling my way through and have no idea what i am doing...though, i am having fun.
all this to say that i got my first dozen red roses from a man.

STEAM HEAT!!

Excuse the little bit of French that I so

unbecomingly decided to use! I know it is not hard

core French, but still is unbecoming! My apologies.

Later that same day... ZIPLINING!!!

hummingbird wings

today i went for a bike ride in o. p. schnabel park. it is about 1 mile down the road from where i live. there are lots of trails...paved and unpaved... i saw a doe and a fawn. rabbits and a road runner. i had no idea what a road runner looked like in real life...the only one i have ever seen before is the kind on looney tunes...yeah, old school saturday morning cartoons... they are really cool.
i had vigorously biked around the trails for about an hour and i found this nook overlooking a tree-laden valley that probably had a dry creek bed at the bottom. i sat there thinking about all of the events in my life over the past month and decided that God is good...he is one hundred percent, irrevocably good....he is not good some of the time and other times he is just so-so...he is ALWAYS good. he always has my best interests at heart and knows me so well. he calls me to him and drives me to the mercy seat to dwell in his presence. he knows me, down to the nitty-gritty...the good, the bad, and the ugly. he is always by my side, drawing me closer to his heart. longing to pull me to the bosom of the Father. he craves intimacy with me...not just wants it, but craves it. i am forced to ask myself some questions...what is it about intimacy that scares me? why do i pull away when he wants to draw me in? i do not know the answers and i do believe that i am almost scared to know them...someday i will.
the other thing that the Lord showed me today was this...i was sitting on my balcony...sipping on some water (by sipping, i really mean, gulping down) after my hard ride and a hummingbird came right up into my face, hovered there for a few moments with its 100,000 mph wings and then flitted away. if the Lord knows the location and wing speed of every tiny little hummingbird...how much more does he know about me...the one that he loves and calls his favorite.

marriage

one of my best friends is getting married...real life, his and her towels, lets grow old together and sit on the porch and scold the grandchildren married. i am so ecstatic for her!...and yet. somehow i feel the bittersweetness of it all. i live in texas, far away from all of the action. we use to talk about when we got married all of the things we would help each other do...things that i just thought i would be there for and now things, that i am missing out on...it feels strange, being so far away and not getting to be a part of those momentous occasions in the lives of those who are so important to you. i am supposed to be there, you know...for the worrying about whether the tuxedos will get picked up and what if the dress doesn't fit at the last minute or what happens if the cake falls over in the car? i am suppose to be there saying it will be fine, everything will work out, and i'll just go buy a cake from cub...but alas, i am here in the furnace that is san antonio and she is there in the ice box of america...oh, how i mourn...

reality

i have to confess something...i have not been that real lately...i mean, downhome, hard core real about my faith and who i am inside of that faith...i am compromising...making myself think that my standards were just too high...and you know what, i guess i was just being spiritually immature. i had a small faith aneurysm...a ballon that just burst and i let go of what defines me for a short time...i have to get back into it...i have to reach out of this muck and myre and just grab the hand of Jesus that is being held out to me...i can't be soft anymore with my faith...i need to create boundaries that are more concrete...not so fluid...i have allowed myself to be influenced by this world...influenced by the fact that i wanted to be accepted...Jesus said that he did not come so that we might be accepted, but he came that we might have eternal life. he said that he would tear apart families and that those of the world would hate us...i need to be back in the bosom of the Father...i hate where i am at right now...i am doing something aobut it. i will not sit and stand by as i watch others live their lives for Jesus. i will be the witness that i am called to be...