lost

i do not know how to describe exactly what i am feeling. is it solace i need or do i need company. what is it about my life right now that makes me unhappy. i think that somewhere along the way i left God behind. it wasn't intentional, in fact, i would say i have been trying really hard to do the opposite. but for some unfounded reason, i feel lost. i feel abandoned. forgotten...like an old pair of shoes that were once your favorites, but they went out of style so you shoved them to the back of the closet. i am at the back of the closet. is it because i have not bathed that closet in prayer or is it because i have allowed the fantasies of this world to creep into my sanctuary. what do i need.
i need to feel like i am a favorite. i need to return to the drawing board. i need to allow myself to drop these desires for acceptance. to let them rot away like old vegetables. i feel as though this is something i have dealt with time and again. why does it haunt me. why do i continue to go down this road. return me to who i was. no, Lord, draw me closer to your heart through the things that are occurring. i feel needy. i feel broken and lost and only twelve years old inside. i need some kind of reassurance. reassurance that i am not in vain. i am more than these words on this paper.
my grandmother said something that impacted me about my grandfather's death, "that is not grandpa, that is just the house that he lived in for awhile." of course, she was speaking of his body. i felt that way about myself from that day on...this is just the house i am living in until the Father takes me home. i feel like my house is a little dilapidated. a little broken and bruised. like it needs a fresh coat of paint and some new landscaping, maybe even a few new light fixtures might do the trick.
i guess it's normal to feel a little lost now and again. i guess that's how we remember that it's God's job to keep track of us. that we can't do it on our own. that we, no matter how many times we want to claim that we do, don't have the directions to the final destination. i may know where it is, but there are too many things to do along the way and detours and roadblocks that i can't keep track anymore. i give up. i give in. i am done being the navigator. i have taken too many wrong turns and found myself at too many dead ends.
i trust the Father with my life.

funny

life is funny...how do we define who we are? does it just happen? do we suddenly transform from one day to the next...never knowing what happened betwixt the hours that were not ourselves and they others when we become?

life is a bed of roses

i received the first flowers ever from a boy that wasn't my dad or my prom date. these were true, live, real, 'i really like you' flowers. i got red roses...tee hee, tee hee. i felt special. the man who gave them to me is this sweet wonderful guy. he likes me...a lot. i like him...a lot. so i guess you could see we are in like...it is a good place to be.
my older brother, j, came over the other day for breakfast after he saw the roses and asked..."So, what did you do to deserve those?" As if I had to do something to earn them...i was appalled. (not really, it is just fun to say the word appalled) i promptly told him that i got them for our 1 month anniversary...and he began to make fun of me in true jason form...what life would be like if not for big brothers.
i think it is strange for j to see me with a boy...i think it is strange for my whole family...even though they are not here...it think it is strange for me...i often feel that i am cafuddling my way through and have no idea what i am doing...though, i am having fun.
all this to say that i got my first dozen red roses from a man.

STEAM HEAT!!

Excuse the little bit of French that I so

unbecomingly decided to use! I know it is not hard

core French, but still is unbecoming! My apologies.

Later that same day... ZIPLINING!!!

hummingbird wings

today i went for a bike ride in o. p. schnabel park. it is about 1 mile down the road from where i live. there are lots of trails...paved and unpaved... i saw a doe and a fawn. rabbits and a road runner. i had no idea what a road runner looked like in real life...the only one i have ever seen before is the kind on looney tunes...yeah, old school saturday morning cartoons... they are really cool.
i had vigorously biked around the trails for about an hour and i found this nook overlooking a tree-laden valley that probably had a dry creek bed at the bottom. i sat there thinking about all of the events in my life over the past month and decided that God is good...he is one hundred percent, irrevocably good....he is not good some of the time and other times he is just so-so...he is ALWAYS good. he always has my best interests at heart and knows me so well. he calls me to him and drives me to the mercy seat to dwell in his presence. he knows me, down to the nitty-gritty...the good, the bad, and the ugly. he is always by my side, drawing me closer to his heart. longing to pull me to the bosom of the Father. he craves intimacy with me...not just wants it, but craves it. i am forced to ask myself some questions...what is it about intimacy that scares me? why do i pull away when he wants to draw me in? i do not know the answers and i do believe that i am almost scared to know them...someday i will.
the other thing that the Lord showed me today was this...i was sitting on my balcony...sipping on some water (by sipping, i really mean, gulping down) after my hard ride and a hummingbird came right up into my face, hovered there for a few moments with its 100,000 mph wings and then flitted away. if the Lord knows the location and wing speed of every tiny little hummingbird...how much more does he know about me...the one that he loves and calls his favorite.

marriage

one of my best friends is getting married...real life, his and her towels, lets grow old together and sit on the porch and scold the grandchildren married. i am so ecstatic for her!...and yet. somehow i feel the bittersweetness of it all. i live in texas, far away from all of the action. we use to talk about when we got married all of the things we would help each other do...things that i just thought i would be there for and now things, that i am missing out on...it feels strange, being so far away and not getting to be a part of those momentous occasions in the lives of those who are so important to you. i am supposed to be there, you know...for the worrying about whether the tuxedos will get picked up and what if the dress doesn't fit at the last minute or what happens if the cake falls over in the car? i am suppose to be there saying it will be fine, everything will work out, and i'll just go buy a cake from cub...but alas, i am here in the furnace that is san antonio and she is there in the ice box of america...oh, how i mourn...

reality

i have to confess something...i have not been that real lately...i mean, downhome, hard core real about my faith and who i am inside of that faith...i am compromising...making myself think that my standards were just too high...and you know what, i guess i was just being spiritually immature. i had a small faith aneurysm...a ballon that just burst and i let go of what defines me for a short time...i have to get back into it...i have to reach out of this muck and myre and just grab the hand of Jesus that is being held out to me...i can't be soft anymore with my faith...i need to create boundaries that are more concrete...not so fluid...i have allowed myself to be influenced by this world...influenced by the fact that i wanted to be accepted...Jesus said that he did not come so that we might be accepted, but he came that we might have eternal life. he said that he would tear apart families and that those of the world would hate us...i need to be back in the bosom of the Father...i hate where i am at right now...i am doing something aobut it. i will not sit and stand by as i watch others live their lives for Jesus. i will be the witness that i am called to be...

boys will be boys

since having moved to TX, i have found that i was extremely lucky to have all of the precious friends that i have at home...especially you guys! i know that may sound weird...but you have no idea how difficult it is to make friends, especially with boys...remember, i am a nurse...that means that i work in a female-dominated profession that is full of the unfortunateness that is gossipland and the common practice of the younger nurses...it feels like that movie, 'mean girls'. therefore, i tend to gravitate towards guys in my social life because i find that they are less maintenaince. now girls, don't misunderstand me...i need you too...because there are just things that you cannot talk about with boys candidly because they are, well, boys...but let me say this...i just want to be real and i want people to be real with me and i feel that since moving to texas, i have encountered these hurdles of lack of reality and transparentness that i have never seen before in myself...all of the sudden, i am self-concious and totally nervous about making friends...who knew that i, lindsay kempenich, was socially akward...well i am working on it and invariably am overcoming these mountains of mischief...

so, here i am in san antonio, tx. far away from everything i have ever known. well, almost everything...i did go to school in indiana (take it from me, that is not exactly culture shock compared to home). but this, this is different...

frustrations of a leasing tenant

why do they insist on needing the money in the form of a money order? is my check not good enough? what do i have to do to prove that i am more than able to provide monies to pay rent on an apartment. apparently, for them to be satisfied, i have to wait in line twice at the h.e.b. and go to a cash advance place where they tell me i have to have over 600 dollars in cash to get a money order. in addition, my bank, which is in good old minnesota, does not allow me to take out 600 dollars from an atm machine. i have to do it over a period of 3 days. that is right, count them...3 days. and to beat it all, my debit card will not act as a debit card...it will only act as a credit card. of course, the h.e.b. will only allow the use of debit card, no credit cards. so i have to pay over 6 dollars in atm fees just to carry around a large sum of money to get a cashier's check to pay the apartment people exactly what they want and how they want it because...once again, my check is not good enough for them. and to top it all off, i have no more days of permissive leave to take. i have to try to take care of all of this in off duty hours. whoohoo. that means nothing will be open and i will run into every road block imaginable, but that is ok...all for the american public in my pursuit to protect their grand freedoms as part of this nation's superior air force.

The DRIVE and ME

So, I tell you, it is dangerous to leave me in a car by myself for 22 hours. Things like this can happen...dangerous, very dangerous...

American Wonderings

San Antonio or BUST!

So, I have made it to the bustling city of San Antonio, TX. It took me 3 days with 22 long hours of driving and 2 stopovers. Aunt Marg and Uncle Darrel were kind enough to allow me to stay at their humble abode on Friday night, they furnished me with a fine meal and comfortable bed. I was extremely grateful. Day 2 brought new old friends into the picture. Friends from COT are always great to see! We had a rousing night of cards and dashed hopes because the Officer's Club failed to be open. But we had fun anyway. Day 3 was spent driving thru no man's land of northern TX...what is up with the concept of frontage roads :)! I am going to post a few videos that I made concerning my musings along the road (basically I had to do something with myself, very dangerous to leave Lindsay alone in her car for 22 hours). Be sure to look for them...

The FIRST week

I have spent the last 5 weeks in Montgomery, AL at Maxwell AFB attending a course fondly known as Commissioned Officer's Training (COT). I was one of about 110 students, ranging in ages from 22 to late 50s. We had 2d Lieutenants (O-1), all the way up to a Lieutenant Colonel (O-5). I attended this course with fellow nurses, lawyers (JAGs), health care administrators, chaplains, etc. All of us had one thing in common, we had been commissioned as officers prior to attending this course. And as time went on, we had more and more in common. Including sleep deprivation, bad food in our stomachs, sore muscles, bruises on our bodies, and increasing awareness that we needed each other to get through the next month.
Of course, the first week was HELL on earth. 20-hour days to get everything done, etc. We all experienced moments of "What did I get myself into?" We had our initial physical training baseline and manuevered an assault course with obstacles and walls to transcend. Looking back, there were fun parts, but it was not fun at the time.
To give you a taste of what it was like, here is a story:
I am standing at attention and Capt Lasso, our squadron commander, demands to know who is chewing gum (of course, me) and proceeds to say, "Either spit it out or swallow it." I swallowed it... where was I supposed to spit it, on the floor? As if that wouldn't have opened me up to a bunch of criticism. He then came about 3 inches from my face and said, "Ma'm, was that you, do think chewing gum is very professional and holds to having a military bearing?" To which I replied, "No, sir." I had an ulcer the first week.

Climbing Ladders in Trees

One fine November day...The boys wanted to play some basketball...so, what do you think they did? Peter, himself, climbed into a tree and with the help of all of us holding the ladder cut the branches free that his mother did not want ot part with so that Andrew could throw his favorite free throw...it was a good day and no one got hurt. The best part about all of this is that Jacqueline (who had a 7 week old baby at the time) held up the ladder more than anyone else...isn't it ironic...yeah, I really do think, it's like rain on your wedding day...