surreal

written 22 December 2009.

i shall try to describe encountering this war. i admit my inability to justly give an accurate accounting of life here, but it will never suffice. personal, experiential knowledge is the only way to fully understand this thing called war. flying into a war zone involves wearing ice gear, complete with kevlar plates and helmet. no one speaks. lights are turned to green. the loud purr of the engines is the only thing heard as wheels touch tarmac, reminding that it will take another week to go home, and that is no option. every building surrounded in concrete. fortified. bleakly waiting for imminent attack to prove their insidious worth. multiple mraps cross my path on a daily basis, in addition to hmmvvs and various other military vehicles. all painted in a lifeless color that eludes to crushed bones and dust. i shoulder my weapon and its appropriate ammunition to every destination. planes and helos fly overhead all day, and all night. roaring engines breaking through the desert silence, reminding us of life outside the wire. dust covers everything, which is better than the mud that is sure to come. i attempt to obtain a routine, my only surviving chance at normalcy. and the only word to describe these past few days is surreal. there is no other word.

arrival

so. i have arrived at my final destination. i found my room. (which, by the way, i will refer to from here on out as a choo, like jimmie choos) i lost my key. the first night. i desperately need my gorilla (my fifty pound foot locker that i sent ahead of time) and i can barely turn around in the showers. o, the advantages of height. but god is good. all the time. i have arrived safely and in one piece. i am anxious to see how things continue from here on out. i may conduct an experiment in which i run everywhere instead of walk. i have a very large blister on my heel that requires some tlc first, but i will make it. i bought a holster for my gun. its imprinted leather. i think its nice. i got a good price after i bartered with the gentleman at the concessionaire stand. i am so tired and exhausted i have no more profound thoughts left for the day. i do believe this is the worst post i have ever written.

barrenness

originally written 19 December 2009.

arrived in al udeid a la midnight. flew from leipzig, germany to qatar. amazing how germany looked exactly like the southern plains of minnesota, complete with snow drifting and seven-degree weather. explains quite a bit about why my ancestors settled where they did.

we passed over baghdad. the countryside steeped in midnight. golden towers of flickering flames spurted out of the ground every few miles from the oil refineries. the land appeared as the ocean—dark and forboding. it was beautiful. the clouds, black as coal, caressed our aircraft as we soared over this barren land of sand and stone. this country is desolate and its people need jesus.

my heart lay heavy with this as the lord prompted me to pray and intercede. i prayed for open hearts and minds. ripe for the harvest. i asked the lord to give words. i asked for wisdom and understanding (ephesians 1). i asked for wisdom and revelation. give me the words, lord. show me your glory. show your glory to these people who are so desperate for love. desperate for unconditional acceptance. show them they need a savior. use me. show them that you are the savior they need. use me, jesus.

we landed with fine reception and all 150 of us disembarked from the plane’s belly, similar to a large monster losing its dinner. we were tired and haggard. we immigrated to qatar and traveled through a variety of stations. ice (individual combat equipment) gear. bag reallocation. customs. lodging. linen. finally, after an arduous seven hours, i took a shower and fell into bed exhausted.

now…i wait for a plane to take me into iraq. into a swollen abyss. anticipating the need for mercy and hope. everything is covered in dust…even the sun is veiled in a fine powder that never seems to dissipate. lord, unveil your glory in this place. unveil the son.

patience

yesterday, was crazy. i flew from san antonio to detroit and then on to norfolk. if i could classify the plane in terms of actually bird species, i would have to say it was akin to a hummingbird. well, maybe not that small, more like an oriole, but still, it was tiny. i was forced to check my carry-on baggage, a knee-knocking experience. not only that, my hands were full with a dr. pepper (yes, i drank a pop), my laptop, my fleece jacket, and a book. imagine this, i am juggling my belongings while trying to get on a plane that i basically cannot stand up straight in. all i have to say is this...they are lucky i have some semblance of military bearing. not only that, i forgot my fleece on the plane, but not until after i had left the security area, forcing me to go back through security (which means i had to remove my boots, take out all the stuff from my pockets and remove my belt). as luck will have it, i recovered the jacket and ran (got my pt in for the day) back to where the colonel was waiting for me. o the joy of being a lieutenant. i was in fine form yesterday. from norfolk, i travelled to the pax terminal (military air terminal) and checked my baggage. i stood on a scale carrying my massive backpack that weighs as much as i do...a real self-esteem booster. after checking in, the colonel was nice enough to ask me if she could help me find information for housing. i, though, being the independent female that i am, replied with an emphatic 'no' and stumbled through the process of finding myself a place to crash. finally got a ride to billeting where i waited in line for a room...for almost an hour. then waited another hour for the guys from my wing to buy some civilian clothes (since they didn't plan ahead). a la 2000, tracked myself down some food and a batteries at the nex, returned to my room 2130 and took care of some things before zonking out. all this to say one thing...i believe the lord is trying to teach me patience. he has a great sense of humor.

heart preparations

i realize that this blog has not seen much action over the past six months. i apologize for the lag in activity. i have been overwhelmingly preoccupied with the task set before me by the illustrious united states air force. you see, i am being deployed. to a remote location in the middle east. for security reasons, i am unable to name such place here but do wish to convey my thoughts/feelings on the matters set before me. from here on out, i turn over a new leaf. i will brighten a new stone. i will write as often as i am able.

yesterday, i was informed that i would be leaving this morning. i ran around in an flurry of activity to finish the last minute preparations for my eminent departure and then realized thirty minutes later i was ready to go. it was a rather deflated feeling of anticipation. i must not be as nervous as i am supposed to feel. i mean, really, isn't there supposed to be some sort of pivotal revelation regarding the overwhelming task of going off to war...granted, i am a nurse and if i am out there on the frontlines engaging the enemy, then a new strategy must employed....regardless, i am going off to war. complete with the whole kevlar helmet and flac vest and m9 strapped to my person at all times. its a little....daunting. and yet, i have an overwhelming peace.

as i sailed over the checkerboard landscape of the midwest this morning, the lord began to open my heart to a few revelations. one...the lord really does order our steps. he points us in directions we never thought we would or even could go. he takes our meager lives and our wonderful small beginnings and revolutionizes them. we not only come out on the other side with amazing testimonies we also come out with a newfound perspective on life. o, to be sure, there are bumps and hurdles, potholes and mountains, plains and ravens. we endured those rocky crags that somehow still house the glory of god and we are transformed. our faces do reflect the glory.

and two...it does not matter what you do as long as it is bathed in love. this one is so straight forward. so simple. yet so elusive. read 1 corinthians 14:16. it's a keeper. hold it in your heart. memorize it. make it a part of your daily life. every moment i struggle with this because of my stubborn, sinful flesh. but i am redeemed. i am constantly being made new. constantly being polished in the hand of the almighty, like a shinning new penny. i wish that penny candy still existed so that children (big and small) could recognize the fruitfulness of the smallest wage. full of promise. sweet and savory.

lord, i pray that those who read this would be revolutionized by their small beginning and their heart perspective would be transformed. i pray for the renewing of their minds and the softening of their hearts. i pray for the reflection of your glory in their lives. i pray that they would be bathed in your love. i pray for that new penny moment. for your hand to continue to polish their lives, lord jesus. come. thank you for making us whole, making us into who you have designed us to be. thank you for your faithfulness and everlasting arms.

voids

so. i have this conundrum. i don't really know how to describe. i probably don't even really want to. i just want you to know that i have one. sometimes its good to know that there are people out there. that you are sending your requests out into the great deep void of heaven and earth. so here it goes...
i miss my old life. i miss my friends. i miss my spiritual walk. i know. i know. its so...i don't even know the word. so...yesteryear. i have to get over it. i have to move on. i have to refocus. look forward. i have to get rid of these road blocks. i have to push aside those hurdles that keep tripping me up. how do i do that? where do i start.
o, Jesus...come down Lord, reign in my life. reign in this place...meet me where i am at. help to sacrifice these things at your altar. i bring a sacrifice of praise.